i eat too much

2007-05-29T22:04:27+02:00

i know i eat too much
i do
and i hate it
but i am trapped in a vicious vicious cycle that i cant get out of
today i have eaten:
porridge
scrambled egg
smoked salmon
apple
two pieces of toast with butter and cheese
one bowl of pasta with pesto and cheese
two salmon sandwiches
piece of salmon
stir fry
one salmon sandwich
handful of dried fruit
3 digestive biscuits
a whole pot of greek yoghurt
piece of bread and butter
lentil soup
3 bowls of ice cream

thats pretty disgusting
and i hate it
and tonight i am making a decision
NOW
to start again
i know i always say it
i say this pretty much three times a week
but this time its for real
and this blog is going to help me
i am going to consult it and WRITE every time i want to eat
and therefore hopefully, i will reduce my desire to eat
and instead vent my boredom into something else
something productive
that will be useful to me
rather than eating even though im stuffed full and feel physically sick to the point of vomiting
its disgusting
and after having a chat with my 27 stone cleaner i realised that we have the same eating habits
looking on myspace today i saw so many skinny girls
and they were beautiful
they could wear the clothes they wanted
and go out in green leggings and red t shirts and just DO IT
because they were skinny and could get away with it
and i think i am wasting myself
wasting my teens, and the beauty of youth
by being two stone overweight
its ridiculous
my boyfriend, hes gorgeous and could have any girl he wanted
but he wants me, i have no fucking idea why
i am moody, suffer from severe mood swings, im fat and ugly and moan too much. i have no patience, i am self-obsessed, selfish and generally a bitter and horrible person.
but yet i feel that if i was thinner, my face would be more structured. my arms would be lovely and toned, my legs would be KILLER pins, and then my boyfriend would like me more, maybe even love me
cos at the moment i feel like i am letting him down
and he will miss having a girlfriend who is buff
and can just walk around in her underwear
can you imagine being able to walk round in underwear without giving a shit?
thats what i want to be able to do
and i reckon if i was 8 and a half stone i would have NO problem
and in fact feel rather fucking SEXY doing it
instead, reaching on eleven stone is far from being sexy
in fact its revolting
i am five four foot
seventeen years old
and ten and a half stone
probably eleven tonight after this binge
AND SO !
from now on, i shall start again and do it, for my boyfriend, my family, my friends but most importantly myself.
tomorrow i will wake up early, start revising for exams and not eat anything other than slim fast milkshakes
and thats it
for fucks sake jose this is your last chance

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i eat too much